Hi everyone! I hope you are having a lovely day, you are listening to and watching Sarah O’Rourke, ‘Bipolar and Me’ we are on our 3rd episode in the 2nd series ‘Mixed Up’.
Before I start, I would like to say a bit of a disclaimer as usual in case of comments I can’t control etc…I guess because we are talking about some content people may find disturbing. There may be reference to you know some over 18 activities particularly in this one! Mental health is a sensitive topic and we do approach the more difficult areas like suicide. Please remember if you are experiencing an emergency to call for help on 999/911 depending on where you are in this crazy world! I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR THERAPIST THESE ARE MY VIEWS AND EXPERIENCES.
I will aim to post my content all …on the same day… you can like, comment, dare to share remember hit subscribe? Thank you to those that have already! I appreciate you and everyone who gets in touch your feedback is valued also so thank you again.
Before I even start this today let me tell you this episode is quite mixed up its really showing how scatty my brain is working at the moment but bare with me, I get there in the end.
I have edited less than usual this is bare all and if I am mixed up today then so be….it apparently.
So as you have probably worked out by now (or maybe you haven’t) but anyway my life has always been chaotic / crazy / busy. Everything has changed and slowed down a notch or 10.
With my newfound freedom called ‘time on your hands’ came thinking time! Also, you can find yourself doing some very different things to other people when you have bipolar … ‘idol thumbs and all that jazz’.
So I have been single 5 years this year…now I do have a dress for a wedding and shoes I just need a man and if I get married it has to be before I am 40 (it’s May!) right if you are watching that’s 7 months left to get me down the aisle.
Anyway, because I am single…someone a man, yes a real one asked me to got to his for a drink…as in ‘his’ meaning apartment (fancy)…I thought ….so I arrive at the love shack…and immediately spotted with my 20 20 vision some ‘y’ fronts on the maiden (clothes horse) in the 14’ by 14’ room. I knew then this was not my happy ever after if I hadn’t worked it out by now.
He offers me a seat and when I say it was the best chair in the room the other chair was his bed. He offers me a Budweiser (now other lagers are available) he offers me this beer and I know this is the only one I am having because I already wanted to leave on the way up the stairs never mind anything else. So I am drinking said lager and being polite making small talk smiling laughing when it’s not funny all of that… and he disappears to the kitchen and comes back a moment later with a platter of chopped banana, kiwi, cucumber there were nuts as well like a little buffet so as he is taking the cling film off this platter …I thought that’s a bit sweet I will stay for 2 beers instead show my gratitude not be rude.
About 9 beers later he leaned over and kissed me and was sticking it on me like hard literally. When I very bravely rejected his advances, he was so mad and frustrated that he has gone to all that trouble for me to say “no” he was not happy. So I had to make my excuses and leave obviously. He had done it all for ‘nothing’ apparently peeling a kiwi is now the world and I am the one in the wrong and being rude.
I had very mixed feelings about this because I could not and I still can’t figure out if he was assuming I would go further shall we say because I have a bipolar and make shit choices or because he had chopped this fucking fruit up…am confused still. I COULD’T FIGURE OUT WHO SHOULD BE MORE EMBARRASSED (not that it is a competition) but definitely should be him!
Anyway, I figured with a sound medicated mind, that not everyone has the best intentions, just because I mean well doesn’t mean other people do they have a motive. I thought a drink was just literally a ‘drink’…now I see it as a huge red flag.
Like how you trying to manipulate me with 3 hours old chopped up banana I mean just no!
I have got so mixed up with dating I literally have given up I go on holiday and even travel alone and even though I am anxious I still go … mixed up!
Let us be honest even if you do not have bipolar, you, like me have been living in some very uncertain inconsistent times…a pandemic in and out of lock downs, now a war in Europe…Literally living through the unknown obviously our emotions are going to get mixed up. Then you must try and do day to day with like life happening.
You know I did the most boring things in lock down me… while I remember I literally counted every pair of shoes I have too many… anyway I ironed bedding…anything to use up my excess mixed up manic energy. As soon as I heard the word vaccine I was like ‘jab me!’ I am going to Malta for a week alone to sleep by a pool instead of this room am sick of this bedroom.
Sometimes my mind gets ACTIVE but my body is like ‘no its chill time for you zzzz’ but I am restless I can’t sleep I want to colour co-ordinate my clothes but I lie down instead because I am so very tired my body is exhausted. How mixed up is that?
So I tried really hard to think anyway about dating and relationships and what I want and don’t want. Mostly I will be honest I can’t handle rejection me… can’t do it my mind can’t take it…
So most people will have heard of ‘ghosting’ so if you don’t know if someone ‘ghosts you’ they literally disappear out of your life…like they were MI5 or something they literally just, fall in to the abyss … jet set to a black hole…fall of the end of the earth whatever… they vanish. This experience horrifies me like my emotions can’t handle that type of rejection and apparently its all the rage like everyone seems to do it…I don’t get it but it says a lot about a person if you ask me their emotional intelligence levels are shocking to be behaving like that.
Finally, you will be glad to hear I mix up what I obsess about now my theme is ‘don’t run out of…’ ANYTHING. I am a one stop shop for everything I obsess over, lighters, pens, books, cloths, tea towels, bathmat sets, and shoes and I could go on but I won’t. It is organised chaos in a way I love it! I really do.
At least you know I am consistently mixed up about well everything….
All that being said a huge thank you for watching if you think you would like more content like this then hit that like button and subscribe have a truly wonderful day! Bye for now…
