Hi everyone! I hope you are having a lovely day, you are listening to Sarah O’Rourke, ‘Bipolar and Me’ we are on our 1st episode in the 2nd series ‘Out With the Old’.
Before I start, I would like to say a bit of a disclaimer I guess because we are talking about some content listeners / readers may find disturbing. There may be reference to you know some over 18 activity and mental health is a sensitive topic and we do approach the more difficult areas like suicide. Please remember if you are experiencing an emergency to call for help on 999/911 depending where you are in this crazy world!
I will aim to post my blog/pod/vid all …on the same day… you can like, comment, dare to share remember hit subscribe? Thank you to those that have already!
When I refer to the ‘old’ me although I am only 39 I mean pre diagnosis…so from around 27-36 was my ‘peak’ I will call it.
I feel like the diagnosis labelled me in a way, making me a whole different person and that how I am treated by old friends like a stranger. Even though it gave me power in a way that I knew what it actually was causing this mayhem it made me feel powerless. I had never heard much about bipolar and also never heard of a cure for it either more to the point.
I thought for all those years the manic state was just my normal!!! I achieved on a grand scale, saw links to things that probably now were delusional. Such as all the Churches in the world being the shape of a cross telling me a message I have to figure out. (I was quiet literally going to get 100s of printed T shirts about this).
At 27 I had my 2nd child (miracle baby I called him)…lost 6 stone, took part in short & feature films, also theatre.
I did some armature modelling… although while working full time doing a degree in the evenings and bringing up 2 boys myself. I became a newly qualified teacher then senior leader all by 36… just 6 years.
I tried to get into relationships but I have explained I find all relationships ‘tricky’.
When I resigned from my post, I lost some of my identity. I thought I could perhaps train my brain to do something new because let’s be honest I was never the brightest star in the sky and then psychosis effects your cognitive ability…so I started training as a barber at a local shop so literally on my door step, it took ages with lock downs as well. Plus, my new cognitive ability or lack thereof…I hit a brick wall and wondered if I would ever be the same again. I grieved the old me… even though she was manic she got shit done! I never had common sense so that wasn’t a loss to be fair.
I wouldn’t change any of it… these 3/4 years has taught me what is important and what matters. I need to be well for my kids and my health comes first…by putting them first.
In a way the old me was busy running away from problems but this new me has to face them. The old me didn’t have time to think. The more I write the more I realise I don’t miss the old me at all she was a coward so now I can feel safe and say ‘Goodbye old me’.
I am often asked if I will teach again… I have enough on my plate worrying about, little green men in the loft can you imagine? Do people honestly think I can manage my children, my health a job 10 x children 6 x staff and hella books to mark hell no.
I do however see new opportunities and was in this positive mindset I applied to a local radio station and as a direct result of this they will be training me to run my own show!! This bringing about not grandious ideas but realistic ones that are achievable short term goals in my reach, quiet literally ‘the present is a gift’, (Author Unknown).
I have began in this journey to develop a more confident self…I like her actually.
