Hi everyone! I hope you are having a lovely day, you are listening / reading Sarah O’Rourke, ‘Bipolar and Me’ we are on our 3rd episode ‘Complex Relationships’.
Before I start, I would like to say a bit of a disclaimer I guess because we are talking about some content listeners / readers may find disturbing. there may be reference to you know some over 18 activity, mental health is a sensitive topic and we do approach the more difficult areas like suicide.
My podcast and blog will always be available each week and a YouTube video will be uploaded on the same day. You can find all my socials at the bottom so if you do like what you’re reading / listening to please follow like, even share. Be more daring perhaps subscribe.
I am really excited about this, you know, you’re all coming on this journey with me, and I am just so grateful you’re listening / reading right now because without reader/listeners I really couldn’t do it.
Before I start I was going to jump right in where I left off but I want to be honest, its why I am doing this. The first part of my week was spent mostly asleep until I forced myself to a meeting on Wednesday (which went really well). I have been mostly agitated and drove my dad insane! Once I do rise from my bed and force myself to do things I feel like I am in a “fog” everything is so hard to do, even the smallest things it is a sad, frustrating and particularly difficult phase.
So that being said in continuation of last week…
I spent most of my childhood at school or with a child minder and had a couple of hobbies. All sounds normal.
I never really had that life long friend because we either moved house or changed schools.
I remember my dad doing all kinds of things with us, from park trips to making us laugh, playing games and signing songs.
Things would change when we moved house, we hardly saw my mum and then all of a sudden she was leaving my dad and took us with her. (Us being my sister and I).
My dad had struggled with an alcohol addiction that would be ongoing for years to come. Thankfully he has not drank for 16 years now.
My mum married her new partner and had a baby, my dad married a new partner as well.
I have decided on purpose not to go in to details about my mum and her relationship effecting mine because I am not in the business of blame but she didn’t make it easy that is all I will say.
I didn’t really ever have a relationship with my mum… she never tried to have one with me. This would lay the foundations of a difficult journey figuring out friendships etc…
By the time I was 16/17 I had left home ¾ times, I been exploited sexually and financially.
I returned very damaged.
I once had to return home due to an episode…and I wasn’t made the most welcome I will put it like that.
I eventually cut my ties and stopped seeking for her approval…she has no place in my life.
Fortunately for me my dad would stop drinking and become my biggest form of support and care. He basically saved my life and doesn’t even know it. He helps me at my worst and supports me at my best. He doesn’t judge me or blame me. He has never called me selfish for a chemical imbalance I can’t control. I do not know how he does it but he is my hero. I dread to think where I would be without him.
So to say the least I feel like relationships are very strained with others. I can’t plan ahead because I do not know when I will have a good day. I feel like a huge let down. I do not even bother seeking any companionship anymore because I can not even handle rejection. Partly because feelings are at 110%...I have been single now for 5 years.
My mother showed me a very good example of what a bad relationship looks like. My dad showed me a healthy good relationship! My dad is the only reason I know the difference in my right mind. When I am ‘unwell’ (Manic or low) I genuinely do not know the difference…makes easy manipulation for sexual or financial gain so I find making friends hard because it is hard to know who to trust.
I always see people using #bekind but they don’t even live by that. So if you do want to mean it… reach out to that friend who can’t ever make it or never shows up…not heard from someone in a while say hi!
It takes 2 minutes to make a huge difference.
Anyway I digress with all the complicated thought process I have and I have stated in E1 that I found relationships difficult. I just feel that bipolar does already put you at a disadvantage to be honest, (well it does me).
I am working very hard to change that though, through exploring hobbies which will mean I meet new people, I have had some therapy I am obviously taking medication and I am hoping these things will help.
I have a great relationship with my children and that I am truly thankful for.
This blog / pod cast and channel should help others understand me a little better if not some one they know. I hope anyway!
That being said I would like to thank everyone who has liked my FaceBook page, read my blog or listened to my podcast.
It has been great realising that I am in fact not alone in this and more than one person said how they can relate. Please remember to like, comment, share and subscribe to the platforms found on my home page. Thank You!!
