Hi everyone! I hope you are having a lovely day, you are listening to Sarah O’Rourke, ‘Bipolar and Me’ we are on our 2nd episode ‘Real or Unreal’. Before I start, I would like to say a bit of a disclaimer I guess because we are talking about some content listeners / readers /viewers may find disturbing. there may be reference to you know some over 18 activity and mental health is a sensitive topic and we do approach the more difficult areas like suicide.
My podcast / blog will always be available each week and a YouTube video will be uploaded on the same day if I can.
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I am really excited about this you know you’re all coming on this journey with me, and I am just so grateful you’re listening reading/watching right now because without you I really couldn’t do it.
In a practical way, my life was together. I achieved QTS I was promoted to Senior Leadership quiet quickly. But when my son left, I was feeling like a failure as a parent. At home something was missing. I managed this quiet well, but I was in a relationship and was starting to feel physically unwell… this lead to time of work and falling behind schedule…I began to think my partner was poisoning me. I became so unwell I ended the relationship but shortly after had a gall bladder operation. This lead to me falling behind my already demanding work load and I just could not keep up and one day I could not go to work. I just couldn’t step out the door … just like that? I did speak to a GP but I didn’t take the recommended medication (partly because she didn’t tello me I was suffering major depression) and 4 months later I was admitted to hospital for around 4/5 weeks. For major depression. I started medication anti-depressants and felt great I was allowed to go home… wonderful!
I was pottering about on my sons lap top when I received a message telling me I was going to be on the internet at 4.45pm that day doing some sexually explicit things. I was horrified but had a doctor’s appointment at that very time. I was still under hospital care and could not miss it. So when I arrived at reception I told them I couldn’t wait I was being hacked and I had to get home asap. Incredibly the doctor saw me straight away and I explained it to her… and she thought it best to seek help from home treatment…I was so glad! I explained to her that would be good we can inform the police too.
After that things are a bit blurry… but I remember windows sending me messages and I was receiving text messages and the phone spoke to me.
I also remember the nurse arrived and I tried to tell her and cried because I knew her being there meant everyone thought I was fucking crazy. No phones in the house allowed no electricity / batteries / magnets all thrown out. Every device in the house was taken apart and I took a screwdriver to my car to find an external blue tooth device planted by some one somewhere. I saw wires move like snakes… I would wake my dad at 3 am asking him to get the people out of our ginnell and loft. I saw diary entries not made by my self an knew in my mind people were coming through the floor and walls.
I begged for people to believe me and a number of professionals were involved. The police came twice one day and asked for me to be sectioned.
In my mind all of this was in a week… I was to learn it was about 3 months…towards the end of this I asked a nurse will I laugh about this one day through tears… will I laugh and wow I was crazy then…and she explained simply that she thought I would look back on it differently. I still didn’t believe her…if they sent new nurse, I would refuse medication or spit it out. I was on all kinds of medication, but I was surprised to find out one was an ant-psychotic. They thought I was nuts!!! Bonkas!!
Slowly I started to feel like me in a way I hadn’t felt like myself in a long time…the meds were working. It turns out anti-depressants are probably not the best for bipolar, but I am unsure why?
Some how everything had changed…I could not tell you what day/date was. I could not add up. My world had fell apart and I could not bear to go back to work so I resigned…now what? I know now in hindsight this decision was made while I was quiet unwell, I even question whether or not they are being responsible to me as a employer for accepting that while I was not in the right frame of mind.
My life felt like it was ending… I never left home. I was frightened all the time. I couldn’t recognise people. I mean people I had met after the episode…like doctors nurses etc…
But one day I thought actually this is a new chance a new beginning to do something different.
I can go for my dream now…I am available , and I can travel with out failing other commitments. Finally, 110% to my dreams of escaping my mind through characters and entertainment is now….
Even as a hobby!! So, I have got right to it…applied for jobs and started my pod cast.
It is worth noting that I have slept for 36 hours…but as of today I am auditioning for a scholarship I can achieve at home.
I was under ‘Early Intervention’ for 3 years and I am currently supported by a Community Psychiatric Nurse and Psychiatrist. I have found the support more sporadic since leaving early intervention and I struggle with that.
I take antipsychotics and anxiety medication. ATM. Basically 3 types of medication. I have not really left my house alone for a while. I have spoken really to no one except my dad and children. But I am determined to do this. Even if it is from my bed.
The only problem I have is knowing when I am delusional and you need good relationships and trust for that…
