Hi everyone! I hope you are having a lovely day, you are listening / reading Sarah O’Rourke, ‘Bipolar and Me’ we are on our first episode ‘Carnage and Chaos’. Before I start, I would like to say a bit of a disclaimer I guess because we are talking about some content listeners may find disturbing. there may be reference to you know some over 18 activity and mental health is a sensitive topic and we do approach the more difficult areas like suicide.
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I am really excited about this you know you’re all coming on this journey with me, and I am just so grateful you’re listening/reading/watching right now because without you I really couldn’t do it.
So… where to start? Well, I decided to start by explaining what Bipolar is. Which I thought would be easy because I am 39 now but I got a diagnosis of bipolar with psychosis 3 years ago and I find that definitions on the internet don’t really do it justice. It is mood disorder, and it got its name from thinking of emotions like happy/sad being on poles opposite each other and basically when you have it you swing between the two but on an epic scale. It can be incredibly difficult to diagnose and by the way I don’t claim to be a therapist or doctor I am describing my experiences and some research I did. I was lucky and it was by chance mine was picked up at 36 and the NHS MH service has been an incredible support to me as have my support network in my home. That being said this particular topic is close to my heart and I really do not think it is discussed enough considering I read 1.3 mil people in the UK have it I think I saw the figures 1 in 50 people. It is a condition I feel gets some bad press. Even medical descriptions are quite vague but no 2 people experience bipolar the same. When I see things like ‘mood disorder’ and ‘happy and sad’ it fails to describes all so the other emotions you feel in between at 110%. It is exhausting and mood can change over hours/days/months, or it can feel like you blinked and now you feel different again with no apparent trigger it’s really frustrating. You basically go to bed and expect to feel just about anything at 110% WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES.
To be honest it is one of the things I find ‘particularly hard because you literally between that and anxiety can’t plan a single thing in advance.
Its at my most manic I am more creative/ambitious/driven and again 110% achieving what I have put my mind to. It quiet literally is superhero status on another level. When is am feeling low I sleep now a days up to 36 hours. So I wanted to document my journey in pursuit of a normal life and after a break what does a career look like what will I do now? What the good days are like and the bad it is basically a bare all. I am doing this in the hope some one can relate, be it with or without a diagnosis, a family member or friend finding out more about it. I also think it will be good therapy for myself. If at least one person can relate I will be a happy bunny. I would like to see more awareness in practice too and this can only be achieved by learning about how it can affect you or me day to day.
I am sure there will be questions I will always aim to answer comments to the best of my knowledge. So now we can get right into it…
So from my own beginning I can tell you that I always felt different but this became more apparent when 8i was around 8 I guess. I found building relationships difficult because I could see and feel that people felt different to me. As I got a little older I excused this by acknowledging my parents had separated and this may have something to do with why I felt the way I did. I say I felt different I mean actually asked my mum if I was adopted like something just was not quite right.
Making sense of the world seemed so tricky. Obviously could not articulate this at the time. Around 9/10 years old I did feel rejected by both my parents for different reasons. I was overwhelmed with sadness /loneliness and thinking about it now it is really unfortunate to feel those things at that age and it upsets me that at that young i felt that way.
As I approached puberty at around 11/12/13, this is where I probably did develop a sense of self… I realised I had a voice. People from school would say I was sociable, I got on with anybody and everybody, but I always felt like I just didn’t fit in anywhere. I felt very much alone. Girls would be wearing make up and love shopping and I did not feel like that in fact looking back was very depressed. I literally can not think of anything that made me happy. To top that off my mum had ana affair and left the man she had left my dad for only this time she left our 18-month-old brother behind. We were homeless staying with family. I spiralled into isolation and loneliness, I had zero confidence and no self-esteem. I just didn’t have a place in the world and felt like nothingness! I took 4 overdoses in that year …I never told a single person.
When none of these worked, I felt more of a failure.
I took up smoking and drinking and unfortunately at 13 I went through a very traumatic event. This sent me into a whole new level of depression.
At this point the lack of support is astounding but I also felt untouchable because everything I had that was mine such as dignity had been stripped from me, I basically had nothing to lose, and my behaviour reflected this.
I was sexually exploited by a group of men when I was 16 and I was only perceived to be a slag… but these days they would go to prison for what they did.
In spite of all of this I gained good GCSE results my best being ‘Drama and Theatre Arts’ at an (A). This would always be my escape… from being around 8 I loved to explore characters different lives…wonder into a different world (any that was not mine).
I worked at various jobs and attended college unable to decide which path I should be on at that time. It was in catering environment I met a 27-year-old man and got pregnant at just 18.
I was made to feel this would be the end of my life and to be honest any attempt to enjoy my pregnancy was squashed quickly with negativity and anxiety through domestic violence.
After my son was born and when he was around 2 years-old I became very depressed. I also became numb and used to self-harm just to feel pain.
Eventually by the time he was 3 a new fresh start in a house his new school gave new opportunities… through this I became a TA and then dedicated my time in the evenings to becoming a teacher. I did it!!!
A also worked along side some incredible people in the arts. Short and feature films, theatre, and radio in the USA. I was untouchable but I had to make a choice about which path to pursue at that time I chose teaching. I did exceptionally well and was promoted after 12 months into a senior leadership role.
Events were to change my mindset dramatically when my son was expelled from school at just 14. I sent him to live with his dad abroad and I was heartbroken. I felt like a failure as a parent. This would lead to some strange events, sickness, and a completely different life.
